What A Day

If I’d live blogged it, it would have gone like this . . .

5:45: Roll over, ask wife if she’s awake yet, tell her we’ve got lots to do today.

5:46: Dodge fist.

5:51: Go get baby boy, bring to our bed.

5:52: Go get baby girl, bring to our bed.

5:53-6:30: Attempt to relax and maybe sleep a bit in the square foot of the bed remaining for me, while being poked, pinched, swatted, and slobbered on by two one year olds.

6:30-7:30: Cook breakfast (eggs, sausage, cheese grits), drink coffee, wander next door to see how step-sister’s garage sale is going and also to tell her when she’s done I expect her to come help me paint my new house. Otherwise she can’t play with the babies anymore.

7:30-8:00: Gather supplies for an exciting day of painting. Woo Hoo. Going to the dentist is about the only crappier way I can think of to spend a Saturday.

8:55: After gathering supplies, running by hardware store, and setting up, make first strokes as I listen to an interview with Leonard Nemoy on Weekend Edition. He’s discussing photographing obese women. Nude. Them, not him. No thanks on either count.

9:00: No more Weekend Edition, thank God, now its Click and Clack. Much better, especially when they have the Harvard physicist on to help them figure out why a tire has the same pressure when the car is on the lift as when the car in on the ground.

10:00: “Good Lord, I’ve been here an hour and all I’ve done is one coat on about half the crown molding in the living room?!” I hate painting.

11:00: I finish the first coat on the crown molding as “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” ends. Just got another coat on the molding, and two coats on every other surface in the 2,200 square foot house to go. I wonder why I did not buy a new house.

11:30: Can’t take any more NPR, so I put it on the latest hits station. They’re playing that new U2 song, “With Or Without You.”

12:15: Almost done with the molding around the floor and windows. One coat anyway. Close to tears now.

1:00: Call home, find out that it looks like all my help has bailed and I’ll be working solo today. Wonder if I could pass it off as some kind of faux finish if I left the streaked and uneven paint as is.

1:15: Rejuvenated upon hearing Metallica’s “One.” Try to create own lyrics, get as far as replacing “Darkness imprisoning me” with “Paint fumes, poisoning me” but that’s about it.

1:45: For about the hundredth time, hear a commercial for the Eagle’s new album. At some point the ad refers to them as “The Greatest American Band.” The painting has so beaten me down that I actually think “Yeah right, haven’t you ever heard of Led Zeppelin?”

2:30: Have I mentioned that I hate painting?

2:35: Wonder if my hand will be permanently stuck in the position with which I have been holding these ^(&)()(*#@@@$% brushes all day.

3:00: Woo Hoo! For real this time! First, I finally have all the trim done, both coats. Second, wife calls to say she is on the way with step sister and her partner. I feel like I do during the part of Return of the King when Rohan comes to save Gondor during the big battles scene. Help has arrived!

3:15: Hmm, Sonic for lunch, hmmm. Those stupid commercials would have caused me to abandon a lesser fast food place long ago (like Hardees), but such is the greatness of Sonic, that although I change the channel whenever the commercials come on, I still devour their food.

3:45: Wonder why life can’t be like “This Old House,” so that I could pick up the brush, paint a stroke or two, and then say “Tune in next week, when we start refinishing the floors” and then the painting would be done.

4:30: Cooking with gas. With four of us working, we’ve got one coat on the walls and ceiling in the living room and a good start on the dining room.

5:00: LSU’s radio announcers have go to be the biggest homers in all of sports. I can hardly stand to listen to them, and I like LSU, am rooting for them to beat Bama, even. I swear, at some point in the second quarter they called Tide QB John Parker Wilson “Sara Jessica Parker Wilson” as a way to insult his manhood after the REFEREES called LSU for roughing the passer. Calling a guy a woman’s name as an insult is dumb enough, but to do it because someone else might have been a bit over protective? Come on. Insult the refs if you must – though even that is extremely unprofessional for an announcer – but JPW didn’t do anything.

5:30: Surgeons are people whose hands weren’t steady enough to be painters. I don’t know how anyone can do this stuff right. I’ve got all kinds of cheater’s tools for cutting in, and my edges still look like some kid did them with finger paints. Oh well, I’ll make sure to keep the lights dim in this room.

6:00: Running low on trim paint, decide to call it a day. Way too much work for way too few results, but that’s painting, I guess. Have I mentioned I hate it?

7:00: Finally get home. Collapse on couch.

8:45: Geaux Tigers! If you don’t know already, LSU and Alabama are now in one of those “You stole my girlfriend so I’m going to kick your ass” high school guy relationships, because Nick Saban left LSU for the NFL only to quit after a year and take the Alabama job. So he’s St. Nick in T-Town, and Satan in Baton Rouge. It’s complicated, but it’s the SEC. Anyway, LSU won the first battle tonight. (I heard it on the radio several time today, and if you want to listen too, here’s where can find “Geaux Tigers, Beat Bama” set to “Sweet Home Alabama.”).

9:15: Seriously consider going to bed. On Saturday night. I hate painting.

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4 Comments on “What A Day”

  1. Wife Says:

    I feel as if I must add a bit to this post so all your loyal readers don’t get the wrong idea. While I was the swinger of the fist (see above at 5:46 – Wheeler KNOWS I hate mornings. After 6 years of marriage, he should know better than to attempt conversation prior to sunrise.), I did not sit idly by at the rental house while my dear, sweet husband readied our house for our arrival. I wanted to help! However, since paint fumes aren’t healthy for adults, much less two 1-year-olds, to breathe all day, and since those two 1-year-olds would have had a ball rolling around IN the paint, it was decided that I would stay home until a babysitter arrived. Well, the earliest we could get said sitter was mid-afternoon. Hence my late arrival with food and extra help. So there. At least I brought extra hands with me. Anyone want to help next weekend??? We’ll provide food and beer….

  2. Step Sister Says:

    You know Wheeler… Step Sister sounds so mean.. I think I have earned sister after all the long hours of painting I put in 🙂 I think it should actually be faithful sister now.
    I just read this blog and laughed out loud in my cubicle at work with all my co-workers wondering what in the heck was so funny. Good blog wheeler.

  3. wheeler Says:

    “I think I have earned sister after all the long hours of painting I put in”

    hmmm, i dunno, you also decided to move into your new house during the same week i’m planning on doing most of the work on mine, thus depriving me of your labor when i most need it. just can’t believe you’d be soooo selfish 😉


  4. […] One More Room To Go And then I’ll be done with the painting. […]


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