The World’s Most Retarded Dog

I know that’s like saying my cat is the world’s most psycho feline, or saying John McCain is the world’s most dishonest politician; all dogs are retarded, so it’s relative. Still, Moby, or Moda as my kids call him (actually, they mostly call him “hush Moda” or “no Moda” or “down Moda”), is seriously retarded in that special dog type way.

We’ve known Moby since he was a puppy, but until we agreed to dog sit him this week, I never knew what a pain in the butt he was. I suppose our own dog – Allie – has spoiled us. Sure, she’s a bit stubborn and very needy. She knows how to sit, heel, stay, come and even after some serious effort, roll over, though. She has never had an accident in the house. She’s super gentle with the kids. She doesn’t dig. She only barks at the mailman. And she doesn’t act like a dog. No jumping all over you and getting tangled in your feet while soaking you with a slimy nose and wet tongue. All in all, she’s a very low maintenance laid back dog.

Not so Moby. We can’t let him out of his crate in the house. Outside, he digs. He barks a bit. And when you go out, prepare for slobber. What’s worse, he’s a Bassett Hound, so when he drinks his ears get wet, which means more of him to soak you. He has no concept of personal space or size, so he tries to sniff the kids just as much as he does us. They, of course, are not real crazy about this dog being all over them.

You might be thinking this is all his owners’ fault. I don’t think it is. I think he’s just dumb. Last night, he was on the back deck when I opened the door from the family room. He trotted toward the door as I said “stay.” He kept on trotting right through the door. I grabbed him, tapped him on the leg, and threw him back out. We repeated this about ten times. When my dog disobeys a command, it’s willfull. She knows what to do; she does chooses not to sit, or stay, or whatever. When she does it, she gives me the same look my kids do when they disobey. It’s calculating. All I could see in Moby’s eyes was the marbles in his head.

None of this is to say he’s a bad dog. Just a very doggy dog.

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6 Comments on “The World’s Most Retarded Dog”

  1. leigh Says:

    ahahahah….the basset hound strikes again…Our basset Sam does ok but he still jumps on the counter no matter how many times we tell him not to.

  2. Hot Momma Says:

    Wow, your basset hound can get on the counter?! That must be either some low counter or one high stepping dog 😉

    BTW, I think we have your pyrex dish and one of Emma’s burp clothes from when ya’ll were here….Well, I know we have both things, but I’m just guessing that they’re ya’lls. I don’t think that Juice or Suzanne needed a bright pink burp cloth, but I could be wrong… 🙂

  3. Himself Says:

    Basset hounds everywhere are offended by your lack of sensitivity to their culture. They have been marginalized for too long. They expect a full retraction and demand that you to attend a seminar on canine diversity.

  4. wheeler Says:

    yes, i should have made clear i was speaking about this one in particular. i have no idea whether he fairly represents all basset hounds or not.

  5. Mycobbwa Says:

    Bassets aren’t retarded, quite the opposite actually, they just don’t care about anything ‘cept smell’in stuff and a comfy place to sleep. Their nose is hooked directly to their front legs totally bypassing the brain. If he digs and barks you bring him in (the comfy place). If he slobbers and has wet ears you dont bug him with unrequested attention (which seriously interrupts nap time). As far as getting on the counters…How does such a short dog get so high? Those ears that don’t hear your commands are not really ears, they are cleverly disguised wings. BASSETS CAN FLY!!! But no one has ever seen it happen, thats where the genius comes in. They lull you into leaving food on the counter and if it gets snatched you will always blame the cat or the dog that has legs.
    I would say Moby has you exactly where he wants you.
    Good Luck

    • colin Says:

      I have a basset! worst asshole of a dog Ive ever owned! wish the fuck it would run away or something. They were ment to be locked up in a kennel, They are not!! a dog for in the house, matter of fact their not really a fucking dog!!:(

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