Edward Cullen: Vampire, Child Predator, And Central Character In A Horrifically Bad Movie

I hated Twilight the book. In a word: Boring. Nothing happens for the first three hundred plus pages. Well, I suppose it’s supposed to be some kind of love story, but it has all the depth and originality of the average teen love letter. (Trust me, I know, as a teacher, I’ve confiscated more than a few.) On more than one occasion, I wanted to shout “I get it already, this is a dangerous relationship, she’s in love with a vampire, now how about a PLOT or something!” But for hundreds of pages, nothing happens, just endless cycles of “I love him, he’s dangerous, I love him anyway.” By the time something actually does happen – with about fifty pages of the book left – I was too beaten down to care.

After that experience, I would never have chosen to see the movie. Someone else in my house, though, loved the book. So we went to see the movie last night. I hoped they might adapt it a bit by introducing the bad vampires earlier and maybe adding some vampire fighting action. They did, but only for a few scenes. No where near enough to prevent the movie from being as boring and shallow as the book. Add some insane over-acting and unbelievably cheesy special effects and by about the one hour mark I was ready to gouge my eyes out. Only I figured I’d still be able to hear it all.

In fact, I spent the last part of the movie entertaining myself by trying to figure out if Edward Cullen is really a child predator. Edward looks like a seventeen year old high school student. He even attends the local high school. His girlfriend, Bella, is also a student at the high school. Supposedly, then, they are peers. But Edward is a vampire. He’s been one for almost a hundred years. His being a seventeen year old high school student is a charade. In fact, at his family’s home they have a piece of art made of all the vampire youths’ graduation caps. Edward says it’s “kind of a joke;” he’s been pretending to be a high school student for almost a century. Some joke, Edward, you’re about a hundred years old and you’re dating a sixteen year old. Paging Chris Hansen, and please bring some garlic and a wooden stake with you.

And then you can put the stake through my eyes if I ever cosider reading another of these books or seeing another of these movies.

Explore posts in the same categories: Books, Movies

6 Comments on “Edward Cullen: Vampire, Child Predator, And Central Character In A Horrifically Bad Movie”

  1. Texas Redhead Loser Says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You put into words exactly everything I felt when I read this book after my sister raved about it. The thought processes of this teenage girl were more like those of an 11 year old girl and the fact that this ancient vampire was into her is creepy. Also, vampires should never be PG-13. Ever. My sister saw the movie and invited me but I refused. And I have no intention of reading the other books. I’m so glad I’m not alone!

  2. A Todd Says:

    I see one good thing from you watching this movie… I got to babysit the twins 🙂

  3. wheeler Says:

    yes! i need to delete everything i wrote and just put that link up as the post.

  4. Twilight lover NJ Says:

    I for one am in love with this book! I have to agree that the 2nd and 3rd books are really not as good as Twilight. The 4th one.. is holding my interest.
    Your family member, who loved the book, on the other hand, is GREAT. Only a girl would understand. Why would a male teacher be reading a love story that girl teenagers go crazy over? The answer may never be known..

  5. wheeler Says:

    suckered into it by my better half. won’t make that mistake again.

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