Edward Cullen: Vampire, Child Predator, And Central Character In A Horrifically Bad Movie
I hated Twilight the book. In a word: Boring. Nothing happens for the first three hundred plus pages. Well, I suppose it’s supposed to be some kind of love story, but it has all the depth and originality of the average teen love letter. (Trust me, I know, as a teacher, I’ve confiscated more than a few.) On more than one occasion, I wanted to shout “I get it already, this is a dangerous relationship, she’s in love with a vampire, now how about a PLOT or something!” But for hundreds of pages, nothing happens, just endless cycles of “I love him, he’s dangerous, I love him anyway.” By the time something actually does happen – with about fifty pages of the book left – I was too beaten down to care.
After that experience, I would never have chosen to see the movie. Someone else in my house, though, loved the book. So we went to see the movie last night. I hoped they might adapt it a bit by introducing the bad vampires earlier and maybe adding some vampire fighting action. They did, but only for a few scenes. No where near enough to prevent the movie from being as boring and shallow as the book. Add some insane over-acting and unbelievably cheesy special effects and by about the one hour mark I was ready to gouge my eyes out. Only I figured I’d still be able to hear it all.
In fact, I spent the last part of the movie entertaining myself by trying to figure out if Edward Cullen is really a child predator. Edward looks like a seventeen year old high school student. He even attends the local high school. His girlfriend, Bella, is also a student at the high school. Supposedly, then, they are peers. But Edward is a vampire. He’s been one for almost a hundred years. His being a seventeen year old high school student is a charade. In fact, at his family’s home they have a piece of art made of all the vampire youths’ graduation caps. Edward says it’s “kind of a joke;” he’s been pretending to be a high school student for almost a century. Some joke, Edward, you’re about a hundred years old and you’re dating a sixteen year old. Paging Chris Hansen, and please bring some garlic and a wooden stake with you.
And then you can put the stake through my eyes if I ever cosider reading another of these books or seeing another of these movies.