How To Get Your Butt Kicked On A Sunday Ride

Every group has at least one techno-workout geek. The guy who measures his watts and heartrate and cadence on every ride to make sure he’s training at his optimum level. You might need that level of detail if you’re a pro hoping to contend in the Tour de France. Otherwise, it’s all just another pain in the ass. Thankfully, the plan I’m about to share with you – one guaranteed to leave you feeling miserable at the end of a ride – requires no such attention to detail.

Step one is to give blood the Friday before the ride, preferably on the special machine that takes out twice as many red blood cells as the normal one. I’m no doctor, but I know that adding red blood cells is one of the major ways pro-cyclists cheat. More of them means more energy in the muscles. So, if adding red blood cells is a great way to make you stronger and faster, then removing them must be a great way to make you weaker and slower.

Next, spend the day prior to the ride doing some serious manual labor, like building new mountain bike trails in the hilliest area of town. All the chopping and raking and climbing will make you sore pretty much everywhere. For a bonus, only bring one water bottle with you, leaving you close to dehydrated by day’s end. Be sure to ride your bike to and from the site and do at least one loop of the new trails, too.

After getting home, don’t spend your time drinking water to re-hydrate. Don’t get to bed early, either. Instead drink too much wine. Then switch to gin. Then stay up late watching Dr. Who. Finally, to guarantee a poor night’s sleep, forget to turn off your alarm, which is set for 5:25.

Now we’re at the morning of the ride and there’s one last big step to take. At this point you are far below your optimum physical shape for a ride. In technical terms, you feel like s**t. Done right, you may even be swaying a bit as you drag your carcass through the house in the morning getting ready to ride. Now here’s the final step. You need to actually believe the adjectives in the e-mail describing the ride: “moderate” “social” “recovery.” If you do this, you’ll show up expecting 75 miles of easy riding; more a chance to enjoy a nice day and to b.s. with your buddies than to do any actual work. Of course, as always, the adjectives are lies. But because you’ve convinced yourself the ride will be easy, you are completely mentally unready for the pace to pick up. Rather than excitement at the speed, you’ll only grumble, mumble and curse, hoping someone else will back things down.

All of that guarantees you’ll be hurting at ride’s end. As a bonus, though, try to arrange the ride so that the last ten miles are into a 15-20 mile an hour head wind. Preferably, it ought to start just as the ride normally slows down. In other words, after you’ve suffered through the whole thing, doing your fair share of the pulling and even attacking up some hills, just as everyone is ready to sit up and cruise into town, you should get slapped in the face with the type of wind that requires a serious effort just to keep going forward. That’s a great way to end a ride. Sort of like coming home from a miserable day at work to find that your cat has crapped in the middle of the living room floor. Icing on the cake.

Do all that, and it will be at least three hours after finishing before you are looking forward to the next ride.

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2 Comments on “How To Get Your Butt Kicked On A Sunday Ride”

  1. step sister Says:

    Thank you for giving blood šŸ™‚ I tried to warn you about the drinking too much last time…

  2. Mom Says:

    I agree with “step sister” perhaps cutting back a bit on the Saturday night beverages might make the Sunday ride not such a “butt kicker”! (I’d vote for sticking with the wine and skipping the gin…personal experience speaking) It sounds like the new mountain bike trails will make up for the ones you might lose. Enjoy them.


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