I Am Never Buying Another Greeting Card

I went to the store today to buy mother’s day cards and I could not do it. I don’t know if I will ever buy any kind of card again.

I began as always, mindlessly flipping through hoping something would grab me. As usual, again, I scoffed at the sentimental ones, shook my head at all the tired jokes (Mom’s a taxi driver! Ha ha!), and tried to read the musical ones without setting them off. Then I stepped back for a second and thought about it. These things all contain nothing but shallow sentimentality or lame jokes. And none of them ever change. Every year for every occasion it’s the same types of messages with new colors and fonts. They all suck repeatedly.

What do they all say, anyway? The messages are too generic to mean anything to the recipient. The real purpose of these things is to make the sender feel better. In other words, if I bought one of these cards I’d really be doing nothing but talking to myself. So I turned and walked out of the store, swearing off cards forever.

I probably should not say “forever.” Maybe one day I’ll see a card that actually says something to the person for whom I buy it, rather than just trying to cram my unique individual into some stupid designer’s stereotyped ideal of a Mom, son, daughter or whoever. I’ll buy that one.

In general, though, I’m done. Probably very few people will notice this, as card buying is generally not my department. My household will still send them, I’m sure. For the few folks for whom I actually buy the cards, I’ll have to think of a replacement. If I can’t – I’m not very creative – don’t take it personal if  you don’t get a card. In fact, if I understand myself correctly, I’m treating you more personally by not sending you an impersonal conscience salve.

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6 Comments on “I Am Never Buying Another Greeting Card”

  1. ttownfeen Says:

    The point is not the card, but the thought behind it. The card is just a vector. So, you are right, the card itself is pointless: a handwritten note would have the same effect as a card, but for much less money (unless you choose to use stationery).

  2. Mom Says:

    A phone call perhaps? 🙂

  3. Stephie Says:

    Note to self: Never buy wheeler a greeting card.

  4. Greenshirt Says:

    I’m gonna do you a big favor – lend me a hundred bucks and I won’t pay you back, sincerely.

  5. draftsonyou Says:

    “…I’m treating you more personally by not sending you an impersonal conscience salve.”

    Wow! Talk about spin. Only a stellar legal mind, such as your own, could conceive such an argument.

    Here’s my card for you:

    I love you, man!

  6. wheeler Says:

    i’d respond by telling you you’re not getting my bud light, but you have better taste than that.

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