The Bible Is For Liberals? Not Any More.

Conservatives are going to re-write it.

I can’t do it justice here. You need to read the whole article to appreciate the lunacy of the project, which is essentially “some sections of the Bible appear to support positions we attribute to people we derisively call ‘liberals,’ so we are going to eliminate those sections.” Still, here’s a few of my favorite parts.

From their guidelines for a conservative Bible:

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

I’m trying and failing to think of ANY parable whose meaning anything to do with free markets, or any kind of markets. Unless it’s the one about Jesus throwing the money changers out of the temple market.

Here’s another great guideline:

Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level.

Heaven forbid the Bible be translated at the reading level of the average American. Remember, though, liberals are the elitists.

Not that the conservative editors want anyone getting too smart. Too much intellect is how this whole problem started:

The committee in charge of updating the bestselling version, the NIV, is dominated by professors and higher-educated participants who can be expected to be liberal and feminist in outlook.

Now for some examples of liberal corruptions:

The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:[7]

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

Yeah! Forgiving people, that’s pussy Jesus. We want manly Jesus! Smite! Burn! Kill!

Here’s more hangups about communism:

Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the “social justice” movement among Christians.

For example, the conservative word “volunteer” is mentioned only once in the ESV, yet the socialistic word “comrade” is used three times, “laborer(s)” is used 13 times, “labored” 15 times, and “fellow” (as in “fellow worker”) is used 55 times.

Uhh, maybe that’s because “volunteer” has a different meaning than all those other words? Anyway, if fears of communism are that bad, they’ll probably need to eliminate this passage from Acts:

And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.

Bad early Christians! Bad! Bad! You should have known that two thousand years later liberals would say your actions are an example for governments to follow! But we know Jesus hates liberals. Therefore nothing in the Good Book can support anything liberals believe. Now the conservatives will have to fix your mistake.

While I’m at it, let me make a few more suggestions about making the Bible less liberal.

First, back to the beginning. I thought about changing “knew” to a modern term for “had sex with” but couldn’t think of anything discrete enough to satisfy conservatives. I mean, we don’t want anyone getting visuals of the prehistoric bumping of uglies. That would be as bad as pornography. Still, this passage needs some updating to clarify its conservative meaning (my changes are in bold in brackets).

And Adam knew [in the missionary position] Eve [not Steve!] his wife; and she conceived, [because she didn’t use birth control] and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

Next, the same change applies to all of these. Because it applies equally to many passages, I’ll illustrate the change with only one verse:

The LORD watches over [but does not employ, rent housing to, or allow to purchase health insurance] the [legal] alien [who has first been reported to the appropriate authorities so they can detain him until he can prove his legality].

The following story is too easy, but it has to be changed. Drunken liberals won’t quote these verses any more:

and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine [grape juice]. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine [grape juice] first and then the cheaper wine [grape juice] after the guests have had too much to drink [not that they’re too drunk to notice the difference, because they’re drinking plain ol’ grape juice, they’re just full by then]; but you have saved the best till now.”  This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee.

A quick change to clarify the Bible’s position on taxes:

“Give to Caesar [NOT OBAMA] what is Caesar’s [NOT OBAMA’S], and to God what is God’s.”

Finally, one that has extra importance for two reasons. Liberals might like it because it appears to make the pursuit of money look like a bad thing. In addition, this one needs emphasis because it deals with the BIG issue.

Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man [unless he’s pastor of a mega-church] to enter the kingdom of God. [But no matter who the rich man is, it’s a lot harder for the sodomites, Darwinists, atheists and other liberals to enter the kingdom. And if the rich man donates to causes that oppose the same, he’ll have a really easy time!]

Explore posts in the same categories: Goobers

2 Comments on “The Bible Is For Liberals? Not Any More.”

  1. Darrell Says:

    Translate the Bible from the Majority Text and let it speak for itself.

  2. draftsonyou Says:

    “and they all left in one accord [Chevrolet]”

    “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God [Hannity]”

    “take this all of you and drink from it [but don’t swallow]”

    I could do this all day! This is good fun. I think you should write a book of these and sell it.

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