The Heterosexual Marriage Memorial

When folks assert that gay marriage threatens traditional marriage, I used used to laugh. I used to say things like “What, because my neighbors are gay I’m going to get divorced? How ridiculous.” Well, now that Mark “I am committed to preserving traditional marriage, the union of one man and one woman” Souder has resigned from Congress because of an extra-(traditional!) marriage affair, I’m no longer laughing.

Clearly, we’ve reached critical mass. Souder is only the latest Conservative Christian Straight White Male to fall victim to the powers of the homosexual scourge. Vitter, Craig, Foley, Haggard, Ensign and serial divorcees like Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani: The familiar names are only a few of the vocal opponents of The Gay who have succumbed to its powers, seeing their own lives and marriages destroyed. The Gay is so powerful that even George Rekers – the founder of an organization dedicated to curing The Gay – could not withstand it, recently hiring a young male prostitute to, err, carry Rekers’ luggage.

I suppose you could read all these stories and conclude that these guys were all just worthless hypocrites. People who exploited the fears of the ignorant in order to advance their own careers. Not me. I see noble warriors who sacrificed themselves in order to protect the rest of us. They fell not due to weakness, but bravery. Only they had to courage to confront The Gay. While the rest of us minded our own business in our own homes, they busied themselves with the lives of others, and the others are The Gays. Though these warriors have now fallen, thanks to them, I can still live happily in my own home and mind my own business.

So I propose a National Heterosexual Marriage Memorial. Not only to honor them, but to honor this assaulted and dying institution. I’m open to suggestions, but right now I’m thinking of something like Rodin’s Burghers of Calais. The symbolism is appropriate: Several nobles sacrificing themselves for the town, just as these warriors gave themselves for our country. The picture is, too: A bunch of confused half naked guys about to be bound in chains. Just add some luggage and maybe a diaper or two and it’d be perfect.

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3 Comments on “The Heterosexual Marriage Memorial”

  1. Himself Says:

    Am I the only person in the civilized world who has no idea who the Burghers of Calais were? The burgers of White Castle, now from those I know.

  2. mom Says:

    I remember those burgers…didn’t like the little onions though 🙂

  3. wheeler Says:

    mr. jeopardy is unfamiliar with the burghers of calais?

    as for white castle, we don’t even have krystal.


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