Archive for May 2010

It’s Official: Robert Adley Is An Asshole

May 19, 2010

His bill to exempt Big Oil, vel sim, from the rule of law died today in committee. Really, it would have cut off state funds of any kind to any university that let law students represent, pro bono, individuals who lost their homes, property or lives to the neglect of large companies or the state. Like I said previously, that’s bad. Even worse, and the reason for the title to this post, is the following Adley quote, offered while defending his Big Oil buddies:

Adley also criticized Tulane’s environmental clinic for allegedly “hiding behind poor people” to justify the clinic’s work and secure legal victories.

Arghh. Damn poor people. When will the multi-billion dollar multi-national corporations finally get a fair deal in this country?

The Heterosexual Marriage Memorial

May 18, 2010

When folks assert that gay marriage threatens traditional marriage, I used used to laugh. I used to say things like “What, because my neighbors are gay I’m going to get divorced? How ridiculous.” Well, now that Mark “I am committed to preserving traditional marriage, the union of one man and one woman” Souder has resigned from Congress because of an extra-(traditional!) marriage affair, I’m no longer laughing.

Clearly, we’ve reached critical mass. Souder is only the latest Conservative Christian Straight White Male to fall victim to the powers of the homosexual scourge. Vitter, Craig, Foley, Haggard, Ensign and serial divorcees like Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani: The familiar names are only a few of the vocal opponents of The Gay who have succumbed to its powers, seeing their own lives and marriages destroyed. The Gay is so powerful that even George Rekers – the founder of an organization dedicated to curing The Gay – could not withstand it, recently hiring a young male prostitute to, err, carry Rekers’ luggage.

I suppose you could read all these stories and conclude that these guys were all just worthless hypocrites. People who exploited the fears of the ignorant in order to advance their own careers. Not me. I see noble warriors who sacrificed themselves in order to protect the rest of us. They fell not due to weakness, but bravery. Only they had to courage to confront The Gay. While the rest of us minded our own business in our own homes, they busied themselves with the lives of others, and the others are The Gays. Though these warriors have now fallen, thanks to them, I can still live happily in my own home and mind my own business.

So I propose a National Heterosexual Marriage Memorial. Not only to honor them, but to honor this assaulted and dying institution. I’m open to suggestions, but right now I’m thinking of something like Rodin’s Burghers of Calais. The symbolism is appropriate: Several nobles sacrificing themselves for the town, just as these warriors gave themselves for our country. The picture is, too: A bunch of confused half naked guys about to be bound in chains. Just add some luggage and maybe a diaper or two and it’d be perfect.

Kagan Nomination Continues To Bring Out The Idiots

May 17, 2010

Tony Perkins, moron, asshole, and head of the Family Research Council, opposes Elana Kagan. No shock there. Obama could have nominated the ghost of William Rehnquist and people like Perkins would still have opposed her.  The reasoning is as ridiculous as it is predictable:

Perkins told the Press Club of Baton Rouge that President Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nomination ignored federal law when as head of the nation’s most prestigious law school, she barred military recruiters on campus because of the anti-gay stance. She had been dean of the Harvard Law School and now serves as Obama’s solicitor general.

“Kagan is part of a movement that’s willing to sacrifice our freedom for the sake of a narrow ideological agenda,” Perkins.

Can you say “non-sequitur?” How in the hell does that statement follow from the preceding paragraph? Even if you agree that Kagan was wrong to ban military recruiters from Harvard law because of the military’s discrimination against homosexuals, there is no way Kagan’s actions could possibly be construed as “sacrificing our freedom.” If anything it was an attempt to increase freedom. First, the freedom of gays to serve in the military, and second, the country’s freedom because we would then have more people in the military to protect us from all the bad guys in the world.

I understand throwing around words like “freedom” and “tyranny” will score points with the ignorant masses, but this is just ridiculous. Perkins’ example of “limiting freedom” is in reality an attempt to do exactly the opposite. But I suppose asking him to consider reality is asking way too much.

Let me add, I am more than open to believing Kagan wants to limit several important freedoms. For instance, here’s a summary of a law review article she wrote, in which she offered ways to circumvent the First Amendment in order to outlaw pornography and hate speech. Rather than deal with these real issues, though, Perkins, as will most of her opponents, I’m sure, attacks something without enough substance to even be called a straw man.

You Know You’re From Louisiana When . . .

May 16, 2010

You bring your kids to the grocery store and they immediately run to the lobster tank saying they want to see the “big crawfish.”

On the other hand, I once ate at a Chinese buffet in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, that had a tray of “miniature lobsters.”

Why People Think Southerners Are Stupid

May 15, 2010

So there’s a goober election in one of my former home states: Alabama. One of the Republican candidates is Roy Moore (he’s like a bad penny). With nothing but his fifteen minutes of infamy on which to run, all he can do is attack the religious beliefs of his opponents, which he does in this ad accusing Bradley Byrne of – horrors – believing in evolution.

If you’re not from the South, you probably expect Byrne to respond as would any person with at least an eighth grade education, by pointing out: 1) Of course he believes in evolution, as does every other rational person in the world, and 2) his religious beliefs are really no one’s business. If you are a thinking person from the South, though, you know such a response would immediately end his candidacy. Hence, the following:

“As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God,” [Byrne] said. “As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.”

“My opponent accused me of being an intelligent person. The truth is, dear sheeple, I am just as backwards and ignorant as him! Not only that, I fought to make our state’s children just as ignorant!” And in Southern politics, that’s a GOOD thing. They’re fighting over who is the dumbest. The winner gets to be governor.

Meanwhile, the few of us who live in the reality-based community hang our heads in shame.

Maybe The Saints Super Bowl Win Wasn’t Such A Good Thing

May 14, 2010

Now that Lebron is out of the NBA playoffs, meaning the Lakers will win the NBA title again, I feel like the Sports Gods are balancing out the fantastic story that was the Saints Super Bowl by giving all the other championships to the most hateable teams in sports.

Really, it started before the Super Bowl. The Lakers won last year’s NBA title. Then the Yankees won the World Series. Finally, just weeks prior to the Super Bowl, Satan himself won the BCS. Post Super Bowl, we had to endure Duke winning the NCAA tournament. The future looks bad, too. The Yankees are like ten games better than they were last year at this time. And like I said, with Lebron out of the playoffs, the Lakers can cruise to their second straight title.

Man. This sucks. Maybe the sports world isn’t cursed. But I’m sure done watching the NBA playoffs.

Because People Too Lazy, Undisciplined And Stupid To Finish High School Are Exactly Who We Want Handling Automatic Weapons

May 13, 2010

“Bill shelved that would force high school dropouts into the military

That’s the kind of proposal that makes me think there should be a limit on how many bills each legislator can offer. Maybe if they could only write one, they might think through the whole issue before filing it. At least this one died.

Thin Skinned Jefferson Parish President Tries To Censor Critics

May 12, 2010

Seriously, Steve Theriot has sued

The lawsuit, which names Theriot and Jefferson Parish as plaintiffs, was filed Friday at public expense in 24th Judicial District Court in Gretna. It targets 11 user names under which anonymous comments have been posted critical of Theriot’s administration and the administration of former Parish President Aaron Broussard, who became mired in scandal last year.

The suit seeks to recover unspecified damages from the online commentators for their remarks.

Even more ridiculous is his defense of the indefensible:

Theriot said the suit requests, the affiliate website of The Times-Picayune, to identify those users so he can better correct the issues they have raised against the government.

Riiiiiight. He wants to know who they are so he can invite them to lunch and have a discussion about how to make the parish a better place. What a load of crap.

Look, Theriot, you’re a politician. Criticism comes with the territory. Deal with it. This is America, you don’t get to use the law to silence your critics. Oh, and you’re an asshole.

Fashion Nazis Defeated

May 12, 2010

“House Committee Takes Hardy’s Pants Off On Bill

There will be no state wide ban in sagging pants.

Hey Obama, Do These Guys Lose Their Rights, Too?

May 11, 2010

Because this sure looks like an act of terrorism to me:

The Billings, Montana, City Council will take up the issue of regulating medical marijuana on Monday night in a meeting expected to be intense in the wake of the firebombings of two of the city’s medical marijuana storefronts in the last two days.

The southern Montana city’s dispensaries legally provide marijuana to medical patients who use it for maladies from glaucoma to nausea to lack of appetite. In the latest incidents, the phrase “Not in our town” was spray-painted on the businesses, police say.

Police Sgt. Kevin Iffland said Big Sky Patient Care was hit early Sunday morning and Montana Therapeutics was the target early Monday. Both had a rock thrown through the front door, followed by a Molotov cocktail. In both cases, Iffland said, the fire was put out swiftly and damage was not extensive.

Most of my opposition to the Obama/Lieberman/McCain idea of suspending due process rights of suspected terrorists is that they’ve admitted the terrorists have won. No nation or group is ever going to literally conquer America. The only way the terrorists win is if they scare us into changing who we are. Responding to terrorism by eliminating fundamental due process rights is exactly that.

I also oppose it in large measure because in the War On Terror, we’ve detained many innocent people. We need more due process, not less.

I also oppose the idea of suspending rights because it will not be applied in any kind of principled manner. Lots of people will use force or threats of force to bring about political change. But only folks like the underwear bomber or the Times Square “Wannabomber” will lose their Miranda rights. People like the firebombers in Billings, or the Hutari in Michigan, or the IRS bomber, will still receive the full benefit of the law. The difference, of course, is that while all of them act like terrorists, only the former group look like terrorists.