The Law Of Tattoos

Friday evening, I developed this theory while at the Elks Club pool:

As you can see, the two are related in the same way as price and quantity demanded: Inversely. That is, the hotter a girl (or guy, my wife confirms), the less gaudy any tattoos will be. Conversely, the most outrageous ass hats seem to be on the skankiest women.

I should clarify a few things.

First, I don’t know if this law applies to the amount of tats. That would require more in depth research. As it is, the law only concerns the size and colors of tattoos. The bigger and more colorful the tat, the uglier the person.

Second, the law does not mean that the tattoos cause the ugliness. Far from it. In fact, the reverse seems to be the case. The more a person looks like a homeless meth addict, the more likely that person is to go get a ginormous tattoo. Maybe to distract from the missing teeth?

Third, there’s one group of people that the law does not appear to cover: NBA basketball players. Because every single one of them is covered in body art, there’s no way to distinguish the ugly from the beautiful. I guess they have a separate law. In their case, the more tattoos a person has, the more likely they play in the NBA. For everyone else, though, I think the law holds.

UPDATE: Not a day after I posted this, I find this supporting evidence on the interwebs.

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4 Comments on “The Law Of Tattoos”

  1. KC Says:

    tattoos and body piercings are time savers…..

    don’t have to engage the person in conversation to find out that they aren’t right…

  2. raviner Says:

    My newest tat is small, tasteful, and colorless so by your chart I can assume I fall into the hotter end of the category. For the sake of my vanity, I heartily approve your theory. It is 100% accurate. : )

  3. wheeler Says:

    hmmm, how to respond.

    if i say, “you’re right!” the wife will ask why i’m telling her best friend how hot she is.

    if i say “you’re wrong!” i’m not only being an ass, but the wife will want to know why i’m being an ass to her best friend.

    so . . .

    just know that my initial law was “the number of tattoos is inversely related to the attractiveness of the tattooed.” the wife raised you as an exception. hence, i modified the law to its current form.

  4. raviner Says:

    I’ll take it.


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